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  “Why?” The impact of the sadness in his voice almost made me falter with my words.

  “Because I can’t live in that world.” I pointed into the restaurant. “And you’ve dedicated yourself to it.”

  “You lived in it before and we were happy.”

  “But I’m not that oblivious girl anymore. Too much has happened.”

  Brody, despite his aggression when he demanded I wear his ring a few weeks before, finally appeared defeated. “I’m sorry for everything. If I could go back and change what happened, I would. I’d want it to be me that died.”

  “Don’t… don’t say that.” I surprised myself when I enclosed one of his hands in both of mine. “I forgive you, but go home and move on. I can’t go back.”

  He touched my hair gently with his freehand. “I wish I could make you happy like I used to. I would stay here with you if you wanted.”

  I let go of his hand and smiled sympathetically. “Don’t come to my apartment again. I’ll make sure you get the ring back. Goodbye, Brody. I hope you find your way.”

  He was calling out to me, but I was already running down the sidewalk. I didn’t stop until I found a Metrorail station. Since I was wearing an evening gown and riding alone, I received my fair share of confused looks.

  I slid into a seat and rested my hands on the one in front of me. The tears came and I placed my forehead against my hands. Maybe everyone was right and I was crazy, but at least I’d been able to forgive Brody. Even more importantly, if I could forgive my ex, I knew I could forgive Gavyn for neglecting to tell me about his son. That was my first step. I’d figure everything else out later.

  Chapter 16

  My plan was to call Gavyn when I woke up the next morning. I needed a night to get my shit together. I returned home and filled a bath with near scalding water. Steam rose off the surface.

  I walked into the living room and slid my hand underneath the couch cushion to get my phone. I hung my bathrobe on the hook on the door before stepping into the water and sliding to sitting slowly. As I relaxed in the bubble bath, I read through the text messages that Gavyn had sent me.

  The first one was an apology, so was the second. After that, he further tried to explain his reasoning. I understood it. He made sense. It was respectable that he didn’t bring home every woman he met. The remaining messages were mostly of concern. He only wanted to make sure I’d gotten home safely.

  “I’m such an idiot,” I grumbled.

  I moved my thumbs quickly to send him a message. I told him that I needed to talk about everything and that I was sorry for overreacting, but I wanted to have a conversation face to face when he had time.

  Anxiously, I waited for his response. He sent me one word, “Tomorrow.”

  I sank lower into the tub until the water covered my head. It was thirty seconds before I resurfaced gasping for oxygen. I’d never been able to hold my breath for long. My vision was distorted by the round water droplets on my eyelashes. I leaned back and stared up at the ceiling, playing my possible future out with different scenarios in my mind. None of them were promising.

  Chapter 17

  It was early when Gavyn texted to say he was on his way. I brushed my teeth for the second time that morning, checked the corner of my eyes for stray eyeliner, and put on deodorant. I was sure I’d done so earlier, but I couldn’t remember for sure.

  When I opened the door, Gavyn was standing there in a fireman’s uniform with his hands on his son’s shoulders. The kid was wearing a backpack. Panic and dread made me gulp. I wondered if anyone else noticed my fear.

  “Hi, Lovely.” He stepped inside and kissed my cheek. “I know we have a lot to discuss, but right now I need a huge favor.”

  “Work?”

  He pointed at the sofa and Mac walked in and took a seat. Gavyn and I stepped into the hallway. He spoke quietly. “That coworker I told you about called me. Another emergency. I swear it’s just this one time. My parents are out of town for the weekend or I would have taken Malcolm there.”

  “I don’t think this is a good idea. I was the kid that caught fireflies, put them in a jar, and forgot to poke little holes in the top.” I made a frantic gesture as if I were poking holes. “What do you think I’ll do to a human?”

  Gavyn was trying hard not to grin. “You’ll be fine.”

  “Can’t you take him to a daycare?”

  “You’re the only person I trust. Will you help me?” He puppy dog looked me and I melted.

  “Yes. I’ll help, but don’t get mad if you come back and he has a tattoo.”

  Without warning, Gavyn coiled his arms around my waist and eased me to him until our bodies touched. “Do you still love me?” He purred, kissing me before I could answer. As a way of settling disputes, I approved of his method.

  My response was a deep sigh and a return of the affection. I tried to push him away playfully, but he was holding me so tightly that I couldn’t move. “I never said I loved you… I said you were waiting until I had fallen in love with you to tell me about the kid. Not the same thing.”

  “Mm, I suppose that’s true.” He gazed into my eyes with an intensity that made me lightheaded.

  “So… I love you. Now I’m saying it.” I smiled a little and he kissed the tip of my nose.

  “I love you, too. Good luck.” He let go of me and left me alone with the kid.

  One of my worst fears had become reality.

  Babysitting.

  Chapter 18

  Malcolm hadn’t moved from his spot on the couch. He sure looked pissed. I walked over and sat down beside him. The kid didn’t even glance at me. His bottom lip was pooched out in a permanent pout. It was one of those faces that parent’s warned kids would freeze like that.

  “I like your backpack,” I said.

  He slowly turned his attention to me. The friendly child from the day before had disappeared. “Nanna bought it for school.”

  “She seems nice. How do you like school?”

  “It’s okay. I’m in first grade. Before school started I got to spend more time with my dad.” He relaxed his posture a little and uncrossed his arms. “Did you hurt Dad’s feelings?”

  “I hope not,” I said and meant it, though I knew I had.

  “He seemed sad when you left. I could tell. He tried to hide it. I don’t like when people are mean to my daddy.”

  “I’ll make sure that it doesn’t happen again.” I smiled when he nodded his approval.

  Mac shrugged off his backpack and hopped off the couch, looking around the apartment. “This house is little, but I like the walls.”

  “I enjoy painting.”

  “Me too.” He grinned. “Dad was mad when I colored on the walls with my crayons.”

  I laughed. “Most people don’t like their walls drawn on.”

  “You do.”

  “Yeah.” I bit my lip as I looked around me. Strange painted walls would only help my parents’ case against me. All the artwork would have to go, I realized.

  Malcolm had climbed onto one of the barstools at the bar in the kitchen when I wasn’t looking. I leapt to my feet, but he didn’t knock it over or fall.

  “Are you hungry?” I asked.

  “Yep.”

  I headed into the kitchen and scratched my head as I stared into the refrigerator. It was too early to order pizza. Nothing was open yet. “Cereal?”

  “What kind?” He eyed me with suspicion. I could tell he didn’t want a healthy breakfast. Lucky for him, I liked sugary cereal.

  “I have Fruity Pebbles and Waffle Crisp.”

  “Pebbles.” He gave an emphatic nod as he bounced in his seat.

  I poured the cereal into the bowl and then grabbed the milk from the fridge. When I twisted off the top I was assaulted with a sour odor. I quickly screwed the lid back on the jug and barely kept from gagging.

  “Let’s walk to the store down the street and get some milk. This jug is spoiled.”

  Mac climbed down from the high barstool and o
pened my refrigerator. He sighed. “Why don’t you have any food? Nanna always has eggs.”

  “I eat out a lot and haven’t had a chance to go grocery shopping lately.”

  “I need to pee first.”

  “Uh, you don’t need help with that right?”

  Please don’t let him still be in diapers.

  Mac rolled his eyes. “I’m six and not stupid. I know to wash my hands, too.”

  “Okay, okay. I wasn’t sure.”

  He picked his backpack up off the couch when he returned and slipped it on. “Do we have to walk far?”

  “No, it’s close.”

  “Where’s your car?”

  The barrage of questions was endless. “I don’t have one.”

  “Oh. Maybe you won’t get fatter since you’re walking.”

  Fatter? I frowned as I shoved my phone in my purse and slung it over my shoulder.

  We stepped into the hallway and I locked the door behind me. “Hold my hand, okay?”

  “Do I have to?”

  “Yes. It would make me feel better. I don’t want your dad getting mad at me for not being careful.”

  He groaned, but took my hand in his. “Okay.”

  We waited on the elevator. My nerves were shot. Taking care of a kid at my apartment was bad enough, let alone making sure one didn’t get hit by a car or kidnapped on my watch. The door finally opened and I couldn’t believe what I saw as Mac tugged me into the elevator.

  “Babysitting?” Brody asked. My request that he never come to my apartment again didn’t register.

  Mac spoke up before I could answer. “She’s not babysitting. She’s my dad’s girlfriend.”

  Oh no. I closed my eyes and shook my head in frustration briefly.

  “Really?” Brody said, kneeling down so he was the same height as Malcolm.

  “Yep. He’s at work. My dad’s a fireman. I’m Mac.” He extended his hand.

  “That’s cool. I’m Brody.” He looked up at me. With the angry glare that was burning through me, Gavyn would have to bring a fire truck and hose me down when I burst into flames.

  “We were going to get some milk for cereal,” I said. The elevator dinged and the doors opened. I stepped out, practically dragging Malcolm with me.

  Brody didn’t budge. “Farrah?” He caught the door before it closed again.

  “Yeah?”

  “I was going to see if you needed me to be your lawyer with your family situation, but I think I’ll go home. Obviously you’re okay on your own.” His hateful glare didn’t lessen. He let the doors shut and I heard a fist impact the metal.

  I jumped at the loud noise. Having Brody on my side would have been helpful. If only he had called first instead of visiting unannounced again.

  “Let’s go, Mac.”

  Chapter 19

  The walk to the corner market only took a few minutes. Luckily, Malcolm’s constant chatter and questions distracted me from thinking about what had happened with Brody. I picked up a plastic shopping basket with my free hand and headed toward the small dairy section.

  “If I let go of your hand you’ll stay close to me, right?” I asked as I stood in front of the cooler with the basket hanging on my arm and Mac’s hand in mine.

  “Yep.” He nodded.

  “Alright.” I hesitantly let go and opened the door to grab a half gallon. Normally I drank one percent, but I opted for whole milk instead since I figured it was better for a kid. I wasn’t sure.

  I kept glancing at Malcolm who was studying the products on the nearby candy aisle intently. When I was young, my grandmother had taken me to a similar store, only it was a gas station. For some childish reason, I decided to run around the store and make her catch me. The resulting spanking convinced me to never do it again. I feared similar behavior from Mac.

  “Pick some candy you want and then come over here and choose some TV dinners.” I opened the door to the freezer when he joined me with an armful of suckers, gum, and chocolate bars. “That’s a few?” I raised both eyebrows. I definitely should have been more specific.

  “Should I put some back?” The kid batted the big brown eyes he’d inherited from his father.

  “No, it’s fine.”

  His spirits lifted and I couldn’t be sure if he had been faking being sad or not. The candy was dropped into my basket and he scanned the shelves of the freezer as I held the door open.

  “Chicky nuggets.” He tossed a box in the basket. “Mac and cheese.” Another went in.

  “Like your name.” I smiled.

  He gave a cackle of a laugh. “That’s why it tastes good.” A few more kid’s entrees were added and we were on our way to the register a short time later.

  “I bet Gavyn is going to be mad I bought you all this candy.”

  “Yep. He said you lost your tooth because you ate too much candy. Is that true?” An Angry Birds toy had caught his eyes and he handed it to me, flashing the puppy dog look again.

  “He’s probably right.” I sighed and flipped the tag to check the price. “This thing is kind of expensive for how little it is. The game costs way less.”

  “Please. The red one is my favorite.”

  The cashier grinned, although I could see she had unsuccessfully tried to keep the expression off her face. “Is this all or should I ring up the stuffed animal?”

  “Go ahead.” I fingered through the bills in my wallet. Good thing payday had arrived at a convenient time, though the unexpected purchases would make it a lean month.

  “Yes!” Mac hugged me briefly and then held out both hands as the cashier handed the toy back to him.

  The groceries fit into three bags. I carried the one with milk and the frozen dinners. Then I handed Mac the bag with candy in it. With the bags in one hand, I took Malcolm’s in mine again and we began the walk back to my apartment.

  My cell phone rang around four. Mac was well fed and watching cartoons. One of the few channels the digital antenna on my TV would pick up was PBS. The little television gave me a much needed break from entertaining the kid.

  “Hello?” I said without glancing at the number. I’d assumed it was Gavyn calling to check on Malcolm.

  There was a hesitation so I repeated myself and then checked the number. Immediately, I recognized it. I covered the receiver with my palm and told Mac I was stepping into the hallway for a minute.

  “How did you get this number?”

  “Your mother gave it to me,” Brody said.

  “Figures.”

  “Did you leave me because of what happened at the bachelor party or did you run off to be with that guy you’re dating?”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “My relationship was completely unplanned. I’m sorry you found out the way you did. I’ve only been dating him for a month or so.”

  “This morning… I raged a bit. I’m jealous and angry about the direction my life has taken. Everything was perfect before. You were mine. I was your first kiss… your first boyfriend. I popped your cherry.” He cleared his throat. I knew he was trying to keep his shit together.

  “Geez, Brody,” I stammered. “You can’t predict these things.”

  “Yeah.”

  Silence fell between us and I chewed on my thumb nail anxiously. “Are you headed home?”

  “On the road right now.”

  “How serious do you think my parents are about taking over as my guardians? I still can’t believe this. I’m not crazy.”

  “They’ll do anything to get you back. They really think you’ll realize they’re doing the right thing.”

  “What do you think?” I asked.

  “A part of me wants them to make you come home in hopes that you’ll fall in love with me again since we’ll be close. Then we’ll get married as planned. But I want you to be with me of your own choice, not because you were cornered into it by some court document.”

  I exhaled a silent breath. “So you’ll help me? Be my lawyer?”

  “I can’t. It’s too painf
ul. I’ll do a little research, but that’s probably it.”

  “Okay. Thanks, Brody.”

  “Hey, Farrah?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Tell me once for old time’s sake. I may never get to hear it again.”

  Saying the words wouldn’t be a lie. A part of my heart would always be his even if I had moved on. I closed my eyes when they moistened. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “Just once. I’ll never ask again.”

  I glanced to my right and left down the hallway. “I love you,” I whispered. Saying it felt wrong and insincere.

  “Doesn’t quite sound the same. I guess that’s all the proof I needed that we’re over.” He ended the call without saying goodbye. I’d almost expected an “I love you” from him.

  Clenching the phone in my hand, I held it to my chest and bowed my head slightly. After I stood there with my eyes closed for a few minutes, letting the realization that it was over for good this time sink, I opened the door and went inside.

  Chapter 20

  “I’m bored.” Mac grumbled.

  “What do you want to do?”

  He popped a handful of M&Ms into his mouth and thought for a moment. “Paint.”

  It was nearly eight and the kid was still wired. I only had myself to blame since I’d given him all the sweets. He held out the bag of candy to me and I poured a handful for myself. I needed the sugar because I was running on fumes. Babysitting had worn me out.

  “I can fill some plastic cups from the bathroom with a few colors and you can fingerpaint.”

  “Can I paint on the wall?” He grinned mischievously.

  “Sure. But don’t do it anywhere but here. Your dad, grandmother, and teachers will be mad at me.” I pointed toward the bathroom. “Grab some cups off the counter.”

  He ran out of the room and returned with the cups before I’d even found the paint. I often made cheap paint with cornstarch, sugar, a little salt, and food coloring. It was cheap in a pinch and, as a plus, worked great as a child’s fingerpaint. I opened the jars and poured a little of each color into separate plastic cups. After I finished with that, I spread some newspapers out on the carpet beneath an area of the wall that had a bit of white space. The only reason the spot was still blank was because it was near the floor. It had been too low for me to paint the section comfortably, but it was a perfect height for Mac.